Take my heart and leave me behind

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 05:39:42 GMT

Well I must say it has been quite sometime now since I have been on this thing.

An update (as usual)

-I now live in Boston.
-Being promoted to Sales at Intermix.
-Jonathan and I just celebrated our 6th month anniversary.
-Two weeks ago I celebrated my one year of being alcohol free.

Now everything has been decent but the time leading up to this point has been some what hell.
Even though I am one to crumble under pressure this is not the case at the moment.
I've become a person that doesn't miss my passed and those of whom were apart of it.
I've made myself structured and more aware of people around me.
I have yet to make close friends because at the moment life is unpredictable enough as it is and I am not about to add fuel to fire by throwing in the mess of others. Now I know this isn't true for everything but I am not willing to take any chances. I have to figure out the equation of my life and that is well on its way to having it's pattern discovered. I apologize for all of the analogies it's just my mood at the moment.

Oh if you think it's all bullshit. Just look at the fact that Jonathan and I are still together. After nearly one year of knowing each other and 6 months of dating we are still together. Now does that sound anything like me? I just stopped forcing myself to fight against everything. My mind has been the trouble of many of my issues. I took control and I didn't need to find God to do so.

A second try it's 30th time around

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 09:01:41 GMT

I have become a person transfixed on the past.
So distraught, thinking if I let go of the past.
I will be letting go of a part of me.

Truthfully, I fear to fall in love.
A shattered star lost at the deep black sea.
Never, to be the same again.
I can't find the piece of mind I have been looking for.

All my pain is starting to show like age.
With every new hurt, comes another wrinkle.
I lack to care for myself. I sometimes wonder what's the point

The love I had for one monster, his claws leaving many scars.
Abandoned me, mangled, and near death.
A disfigured soul I have become because of this beast.

I'm always breaking the rules.
Hoping to find a shorter route to the truth.
A meaning, of why these veins still carry its red liquid brining life.
Or why I have yet to find satisfaction.
Other then my, hand dripping with cum.

Cold lingers throughout. Even on a warm day.
A rotten smell is nestled in the back of my nose.
My sense of reality has become a smeared drawing.
My eyes pour puss, thick, clumpy and yellow-green.

All of this misery I still bare a smug smile. Realization.
A not so dim glow breaks through these green gems. Eyes
Tingles prick my fist-sized organ: Kiss
I laugh at a slight whisper to the ear. Tickle

So...A story to tell.

My name is Bryan Geggis. I have been a subject that's been told with an extreme disbelief.
The kid, that's always gone over board. A sad child, always wanting what he can't have. An imagination that gets him so lost. A person no one should trust. Crazy no matter how you look at him. Not truly an alcoholic. Always going overboard seeking attention he doesn't need. A suicidal fuck head, that’s mainly focused on himself. Doesn’t even know where to begin to find him self. No idea where to begin in trying to understand. A person that tells believable amazing stories,
But are nonetheless false stories.

I am going to attack everyone that comes to mind. I am going at every angle. I truly dislike many of you. I dislike what I have done to many of you. We all have pasts then when you look back on, we shutter with embarrassment.

Mark Legrow. As many of you know, WAS the love of my life. Most know the back-story so no need for that. He, whom I have recently come to realize, has been talking "shit" as some may say. He tells my ex's nearly days after I break it off with them. Whither it truly is like clockwork
Or it just happens that way. He woes them in best way he knows how. Make them hate me. Saying things that would make anyone dislike a person. Make you not trust them. After he THOUGHT he had won them over he would try and hang out with them. He states that I hurt them and he hates seeing me do that. Which is weird, since they never hung out with you, yet they still talk to me. You better work on that .so yeah; you pick up my "trash" (just for effect). Just to let you know. Love isn't everything. You've thrown everything away multiple times, on a mere boy. Or besides the fact you are full of shit, and well plan out crazy. Mark Legrow has abandoned everything yet again to find his dream in New York. Now it took me 4 years to move on from you. Not only have I moved on. If I saw you again, I would sure love to piss down your throat.

Dalyn Renzello. I have fucked her over many times. This I admit. But she likes to choose sides. Basically I have moved on, and I have decided not to go back and fourth. Just cut it off entirely. I feel no shame in this decision.

Matthew Geggis. Yes he will be gone for sometime. I wish him the best. Love you.

Melanie Walsh. I am not afraid of you doing anything while my brother is gone. I trust your love for him. I hope someday maybe, we can actually have a conversation that isn't awkward. You will be my sister in law. So I hope to mend things. Since I have fucked you over on many occasion. Now some people I KNOW are most likely going to read and be like "Bryan, you're such a pussy." I know many of you hate Melanie. I dislike Melanie at points. She dislikes me as well. Dislike is much further from hate. We annoy the fuck out of the each other. At some point we connect. Even if things turn for the worst she is still marrying into the family, and I would have to suck it up for my brother and just the whole kip n' caboodle don't care what I have said. Yes, I have
Wow Melanie is a bitch. I even told my brother. Yeah, I have said she gives me such a fucking headache. And yes I have even said I don't trust her. Which If I can correct myself. Is an oxymoron in my situation anyways? But Melanie, if you read this. I hope you make it through while my brother is gone. With a few exceptions, a person hurting and watching is never a grand sight. Plus I can actually connect with you on this one. Matthew was the only one that took the time to look at my art. That only that understood. I miss him too.

People at the sidelines, look I don't have any great connection with anyone anymore. No one took the time, nor did I want to waste my time, explaining who I am anymore. It seemed to be a lost cause. I miss some. I can do with out some others. The people I can enjoy the company of are, well Lela. Why Lela? Since she hates my brother and Melanie. She has moved on from them. She talks about things going on her life, not others. Plus, she has no connection with Mark, Dalyn, etc. So it's just easier to balance. Also she’s fucking nuts. Who doesn't need nuts in their Lives?

Jonathan Potvin, my best friend. Once, we had dated the night away. I do love him. He is beyond a great person, so full of life. His intelligence is wonderful. His innocence is refreshing. Is understanding is believable. His laugh is realistic. He makes me feel alive, younger. He gives me a grand perspective of things. Even though I don't admit it. He tends to point out the obvious. He's young goofy. Life hasn't tortured him to the breaking point. It won't either. His optimism is unbelievable. It's strong. He's strong. He’s tall and his curly hair is fun. I bust his balls a lot. Keeping him on the edge. No, I truly do love him. I plan to keep it that way.

As for me, I will be leaving soon. I am moving. Leaving Stoneham. Whither I keep in touch with certain people is entirely up to me. It was all a horrible time. It was a lovely time.
I just can't wait to leave it all behind. I am not running away, this is all long over due.

For those who don't know, I am over 6 months sober. I find this to be truly wonderful.

Goodbye

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 08:05:19 GMT

I made a video from scratch today. I love it. Check it and comment

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 06:33:35 GMT

I can't sleep again, and it's not for a lack of trying.
Last might I didn't finally get to fall asleep until around 5am.
When at 8:30am I had to wake up to go to work.
Dragged my ass there.
By the time I left I was in such a good mood and hyper.
Didn't make any sense but I went along with it.

Now it's past I am and I am still very much awake.
In most cases I should be dead.
My appetite, has been slacking as well.
But yet I feel fat.
No I am not in denial. No I am not depressed. No more than usual anyways.

Besides all of that my day dreams have been crazy.
Up and down all day long.
Especially when just lying down and attempting to sleep.
I know when I am about to fall asleep. I get really light headed.
It's a nice feeling.

My friends suck, which means I suck, which some how means we are all on different pages,
which means high school. Which means I am not going to deal. Years of differences finally catch up. Sucks considering the circumstances.

I am working 34 hours this week, which is a high record for hours worked at my new job.
Even that is pathetic.

You know, it's weird when I the so called "Slut" doesn't care about relationships. I do, I just mean I am not going to pursue anything, I am too exhausted for that crap. I could careless about any scandalous sex as well. Look my problems are a lot more concerning then finding love at the mom. If that was the case life would be a breeze. I wish I could just focus on relationships. That would ease my mind just a bit. I am not saying if something came along I wouldn't rush to grab the opportunity. But come on now, Been there done that. If something interesting,different, fun, flashy, mellow, independent...to sum it up...special.Then I would take the risk. But until then I will hang out meet people. just do what I do. Smile, cry, laugh, hope, dream, dance, mope, yell, aggravate and charm. I am content, not with the entirety of my life. But in some portions of it, yes.

Oh I should have a small gathering to celebrate my mid-year of being alcohol free. March 1st is the actual day of that occasion. You know what I am proud. Now because I went to rehab and that is the reason I stopped doesn't mean I am any less of a person because I didn't make the decision on my own. The thing you have to see is, yes I did. Or well I would be drunk. Make sense to you. I don't care what people thought/think about the situation. It wasn't for dramatics. My life/mind is that fucked up. I lost control. My mind when a spiraling down. Yes, I recovered. With many thoughts to take in. I am a better person because of it. I am not afraid to lose,It makes me try harder. But my other issues kind of counter act that whole process. It made me realize many things. I've grown in so many ways. Not in all departments. For god sakes I am only 20. I know I have fucked up my life up to this point. But I still want to keep some of my wacky ways.

But look. Things are at odds end at the moment. If I let it bother me I would be miserable every day. I've let go. God it's taken so long. Feelings I had, have finally found their understanding and was finally able to come to end. No regrets, just pissed it took me this long. You have to close some doors to open new ones. I am ready to venture, and see different sites.

I am a good person, but people have bad eyes

Well back to bed, maybe something will come out of it this time.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 06:58:03 GMT

If Anyone can find the three symbols in the picture( 4 actually, depending on how you look at one of the symbols) I will give them a cookie, or go out of my way to do a project for them.

Also if you find the symbols that may help you with the meaning. Now don't be misdirected .
Just attempt to give me a glimpse of what you think the whole concept is. Thanks

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 05:34:55 GMT

It's so weird. Everything seems so out of place.

I just want to vomit all over the place.

My nerves are shot, my stomach out of wack.

It's all just a mess.

But whatever, just let the time pass by.
Either I will be dead or things will work out.

Mark and I don't talk, so that makes things extra fishy.
I barely hang out with anyone.
It all just makes for a pathetic tense situation.

Plus this has been the month of ex's and guys.
It's all just a bit strange.
People from the past contacting me.
Out of the blue.
It stirs up a hell of a lot of emotions.
Not all so good.
It happens though, and it will my entire life.
It's something one must get use to.

I need something new and refreshing in my life.
I must do something to make it all better.
I think the problem is, I just don't care enough.
I feel as if I am too deep and tired to try.
I know that's my own fault.
But none the less that is where I stand

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 12:14:34 GMT

Self-Portrait Airbrushed "One last Goodbye"

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 05:55:55 GMT

This is my first concept piece ever done. It's a a set of 10 photographs.Each photograph taken myself. Materials used are, oil paints, paint brushes, digital camera, photoshop, and my body as the canvas.

It tells their story. Story of people all alike. All very much different. Life can be extremely colorful and amazing. Full of vivid colors and emotions.It can go dark, people express themselves in many ways when going through turmoil. Sometimes we find ourselves lost. We don't know where to look. Only with in ourselves can we maybe find some glint of salvation.(Another reason it's self-portrait, an expression on my own terms on myself.) We split constantly, not knowing what to do. Finding ourselves doing different things,but still containing the same outter shell. It's hard to grasp others emotions. This piece is done, in hope to spin the mind. To make one look at all the actions going on in each shot. To help express yourself. To help you release something on your mind. To help you connect. I hope you may find some form of connection in my work presented to you.

A concept, where I was the canvas. Oil paints. Digital photography and photoshop. I was these items.A concept of all together growth and it's pieces. Pain, Wishes, Hope, Dreams, Color, Torture, Invasion, Thoughts, Trust and Conclusion.

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Pain

Growth-(self-Canvas)-Torture

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Invasion

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Color

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Dreams

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Hope

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Wishes

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Thoughts

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Trust

Growth-(Self-Canvas)-Conclusion

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 04:48:47 GMT

So I am keeping the apartment and someone is moving in.
Just need to know what everyone else is doing.

At the moment I am sad at the way things are working out.
I am sad that there is hate and bitterness fluttering around.
Things happen for a reason,
We all must except this, or hold on to the pain.

In time everything will come together.
I think everyone will be ok.
I hope this is true.

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 09:26:09 GMT

I am talented fuck ya'll

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 06:53:05 GMT

Warning:This makes no sense!

Sometimes I wonder where the bitterness comes from in some people.When their life is going so well. or so it seems. If not then well they are ashamed or afraid. You know I was fine with the fact that I don't understand myself, but that I don't know anyone anymore kind of bothers me. But it also helps. I just have this built up tension, they I try to release but goofing around, talking about small things. But its not enough.I am jealous of a lot of people. I look around me and I see a lot of people have things going their way or they are just simply content with what they have. I can never find myself to find that place. Either I am extremely difficult, or I just give up. How can I move on if I have no where to go? I feel like I am marinating in my own filth.
I feel that everyone is holding a pistol and waiting for the right moment to shoot another person when they are not looking. Just to let off some steam. Maybe I look too deep. Maybe this is all an excuse, just so I don't have to realize the truth. Maybe it's that no one can look each other in the eye.

Afraid to share diseases. Everyone screams hatred in behind their words spoken. A shield protecting whatever emotions they still may have intact.A reality show gone boring. A reality show not watched. Ignored questions. No more time to take any consideration. I know that I have lost any dignity I may of had once a long time ago. I know I lack appreciation at times. We all have our little/big secrets. We all want our space. We all want something, or a lot of something that differs you from the rest. Not a problem. But it's when it consumes you. You lose sight of where everything started.

Hey, Maybe great for yourself. What about the others. Lost in front of a green screen waiting for a computer to come up with their next task in life. If we all knew what was next we would take better precautions so that their life doesn't corrupt another life. But it doesn't work that way. You have to hate/love/like/enjoy/spill/touch/kiss another person in you're life times. Some explain these emotions, other ignore until it becomes a mess. Letting it tip over, no one can explain how or why. They don't take the time to clean up the mess. They dry some things, and move on. The end of story. I am not perfect, never have been, never will be. I sure am hated. People are annoyed by me.

I mean I could change to better them, because I am not sure if It will better themselves or it's just one of those ticks people can have. It's not something that will destroy anyone. But maybe sometime down the road they will wonder what should have happened. Or that is something that will never happen and it will just be the end.It just seems to me that this is all one big circus, we all have had our laughs throwing pies and honking our noses. Then it just becomes annoying, and you vomit up the joy you once contained. Tension,Bitterness. Hey I didn't make these choices. I am already fucked up, I am just go through what is going on in my head. I mean its something. I am sure some one could get something out of this. I don't expect anyone too, or well I could give to fucks. I just like going on and on. I barely have the space to do so. SO when I get the chance I go with it. I have no idea if anyone is going to misread this and react with some bitchy toned reply, Which is yet another waste of my time.

A decent conversation I am able to hold.I believe people think I lack some form of intelligence. That I have no thought process. I do, but I tend to voice over it, with some ridiculous excuse that makes sense to me, hence why it would be my voice over. Me narrating me. Its an enjoyable time. I could go through this entry, find a million mistakes. But I had a lot to say and I needed to get all of it. If I didn't I felt as if I was going to vomit. God the undertone. The fucking sadness of how it's so hard to say two words. mumble mumble. Oh the pain, it's so hard. Fuck me up the ass. Where is anyone going.

Who's life is better. You know. Neither do I. But one thing I should say is that I am working towards something. Because I am seen everyday means that I am actually behind the scenes. Like I said about secrets. Yes I do as well have them. I mean my life tales are something interesting to tell. They flow much better than this, but that's because I don't care what I say in this, I am just typing whatever is coming through. Kind of like when people close their eyes and take a pencil and a piece of paper, and just go and see what happens. I am kind of doing that. Think about it. Or not. I hoping that some read this and Kind get that tingle or something. They feel some type of connection. Doubt it, since the majority of people I know lack emotions. Well they have them they just circle round and round until dizzy and then they have no idea where they are going or doing. LIke this entry I know I started with something and at some point I am going to end with something but at the moment. I just want to get out as much as I can because I just need to. I have been doing a lot of dishes lately.

A lot of cleaning. I have no idea why. Rent, yes thanks for the reminder, make sure to do that. Um....so yes. Guster says Hello, he is on my lap trying to claw me because he doesn't like me typing. Oh well. Fuck the cat. I suppose this will be coming to an end soon since I have work in the morning, and I haven't really been sleeping well, because well yeah. Never have. So to end this, lets recap. I am lost, have no idea what is going on. Bitterness. Green screens, hatred. Spill, and tips. I believe that covers a majority of it all. Oh and animals have feelings as well. Think about it

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 22:09:15 GMT

You know what's amazing? Life. The reason I say that is because you know one day you'll end up dead. Who knows when that day is. But even though you could die tomorrow or in 60 years, why exhaust yourself with worries, to the point you are near death anyways.

I talked to someone recently and they where at one point on the same page as me. I asked them how they were mentally. They told me their story. It got me thinking.

Why waste my time any longer worrying. I mean of course I will stress out from time to time, trying to get myself back on my own two feet. But that isn't going to happen if I keep bringing myself down.

You can't move on if your holding onto your past. I am ready to let go of my past entirely. I don't see anything truly positive about it. Of course I found love, and I found out things about myself. But the love is gone, and I have changed from that point. There's nothing left that I care about from my past. If I had to do it all over again,I would change it all.

I don't give a shit, call me an asshole, but no one cares anymore either. It's not just me.

If you'd like to grab coffee sometime later on down the road. I'd be up to it.
But I will never get back to what anything use to be

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 06:38:19 GMT

Yes, I would really enjoy being married. No not at the moment, my life is in such shambles to be doing anything like that. It was just saying something I would like for my future.

Plus, you need to find someone you love.

Love isn't just a feeling you have yourself, love is more than just a feeling. It's an action, it's how you show love, tell love, live love.

I am in a mood. In a mood where I have to come to realize a lot. My life is going slow at the moment, and sometimes too slow. I am young, dreaming of being older.

My friendships are failing. My relationships are non-existent. My job is lacking. I am slacking.
And no one cares about each other any more. It's all a competition. I have no idea how to win or what's even at the finish line. I missed out on something. Maybe I am just in the wrong place, and just realizing this now. Yet, still holding on because I care.

I love too much,I give in too much. I hate too much, I screw up too much and we all fucking know I think too much.
But this is what people have known about me, for a long time.I am my own person, and I know I don't fit in. But I want to, I want to be looked at as a friend again, not as an annoyance. It's hard though, because I know I didn't get here because of others. Everything I have done has lead me to this point. So I take all fault.

Seriously, this is something I have said before just stated in a different way. But my story won't be any different until things change.

To end this I just want to say is, I care so much. I just need to know, do I need to let go. I know everyone is going in their own direction, and that I am agree with, but does it need to be just that, the end?

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 04:23:44 GMT

Could it be true that my boss could be trying to get me to quit?

If so, thank god I have a interview lined up.
If I get the new job I will do just that,quit.

Thanks have a nice evening

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 07:01:20 GMT

So lets discuss something shall we?

Ok, my life is fucking crashing.

Oh you have no idea

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 06:22:11 GMT

It's come time, where my kingdom has crashed.

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 12:03:58 GMT

(to be noted: I have no shame in my thoughts and what I stated. I don't feel anything that is said is a fabrication. I don't think feelings or thoughts could be fabricated. When they are thoughts and feelings of the person who is typing this god damn thing.)

Here are 5 things that challenge my daily life:

1: I have thoughts of suicide on a regular bases. I hope for them to take place, but for once I actually care for others. And after seeing the pain of my family especially mother and father I couldn't do it. But it's extremely exhausting.

2: I am very depressed (hence the suicide thoughts) and there really is no one I could sit down and talk to. Boo hooo, shut the fuck up!!!! It's not very entertaining to have so many things that stress you out,now is it? Having to talk to my brain to calm down for a bit. (My bi-polar makes me an asshole, how about bullshit)

3: The only person who truly understands me is leaving quite soon. Even though we barely talk on a serious manner.It's comforting to know if something was truly wrong. He would be there and able to see where I am coming from.

4:I am still attached to someone who's barely my friend.

5:My job sometimes suck and I barely make any money and I have a shit load of debt that will never be paid off at this rate.(Yes, I am looking for a new job. It's not always easy.)

Now my goals which always seem to be put on hold because of some dramatic event that brings me down to the point where, well who the fuck cares. It's yes, all my fault. No doubt there. The point is, I am not bitter. Just look where I am coming from sometimes. It's all dandy that I can act all hyper and glorious (like a child full of lame ass excitement) at times, but that does not deny the fact that I am fucked. I am just trying to contain some form of friendships.Oh and I fucking hate my sleeping schedule. It's not that I am lazy on the weekends with sleeping, but after about 2 hours of thoughts running through my head and 6 O'clock rolls around. I am finally asleep. I don't want to get up because it excites me that I am finally asleep. What may seem like sleeping all day is just a couple of hours for me. During the week I fall asleep around 3 and 4. Then get up for work. So weekend is catchup time. I'm exhausted. Exhausted from many things. Now sadly I am fucking venting to a on-line journal. That some people may read,and if so it will not be mentioned. I couldn't sleep. So I thought I would type.

But I have one promise to myself, the next chance I can get to go to Art school I am going. I am very fucking talented. No one can tell me otherwise, and I am going to do something with this talent. This is a fucking promise. I apologize for all the language, but I am quite frantic at the moment. It makes me on edge. Which sucks because it's 7am. I do feel a bit better.

If you are now reading this sentence at the bottom of this entry and you started from the top. Then that means you've read the whole thing. Now this is where you either, analyze,help,judge,ask,discuss,laugh,understand, or ignore.

P.S. I do understand that my life can not be compared to many others. For many people lead much worse of lives.But this is my life and we each deal with issues differently. So, take into consideration, that I do appreciate my life and the majority of the people in it. But I do not feel guilty for how I feel. It can't be entirely helped.

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 07:09:30 GMT

So I had talked to my brother about some things and finding out what I miss.
No one talks about things, so it was bugging me. I am a paranoid person.
I just needed to get somethings straight. Just to put my mind at ease.
I am not saying it did anything good to learn somethings but it may have helped.
I was told I may need to distance myself from my past and pick up somewhere new.
So Of course with that being said I have been thinking about it. Of course doing my best to stay positive. Not to effect everyone around me. I tend to fail at that anyways.
One of the main reasons if I choose to move to my mothers house, would save money so I could pay off some debts. Problem is, I don't drive. Everything is out of the way, so it may just a good chance to gain some motivation.
I do plan to go to Art institute of Boston at Lesley next year.
So to start entirely new may just finally put me in the right direction for once.
Now it's nothing that has been said or written that just randomly brought me to think of this.
This is has been in discussion for a couple of weeks now.
Other choices is one of my co-workers is looking to move come March,
so we had discussed a few things. If that be the case then I will still stick in the Boston area.
If I were to do that then that would be something entirely new. But financially, most likely difficult. Unless I get a new higher paying job or just some better hours. Or my current job could just give me the hours I need. But it would be good if this could be discussed more openly but it will never happen. Like I said before no one talks about anything of huge significance.

My art work is going very well. Just so you all know. I take what I do very seriously, it's not some hobby, it's not a waste of time. It's something quite important to me. I don't talk to anyone about art. I keep it mostly to myself. I don't expect any appreciation for my work. But I don't respect any negative thoughts about what I do, and I don't mean the quality of my work, everyone has there own opinions about that. I mean of my dreams.

I don't have much to say about much of anything. I just don't like how at odds everyone is. It makes things difficult. I am at ease though. Just want things to be taken cared of. In due time though.

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 07:32:05 GMT

So today was a bit stressful.
Work was very much overwhelming.
I thought I lost my camera. ( I found it, no need to worry)
On my way home I was thinking a lot. I was to get into my zone. But I left my ipod at work, then I tried writing and my pen died.
Have a lot on the mind, but no need to talk about it.

All I know is I have been very scruffy lately.
Kind of digging it. No idea why.

One thing though, that I do ask myself.
Why is it that I still play the role that everyone is comfortable with?
I have got some good advice from some people about certain issues.
Its so hard to put words into actions sometimes.
Sorry that this lacks information. Just trying to state where I coming from.

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 03:02:14 GMT

You Can Buy my art, just click. Lovely

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 07:56:25 GMT

I went on my date on Saturday.
It went much better then expected.

He came here, went to Starbucks. Chatted it up.
Then, went to the movies.
Then, got some food.
Then, did some shopping.

We are going on another date to the Museum of Fine Arts.
When both our work schedules don't clash.

He is only 17.
But he is 17 with humor,intelligence and an understanding of things that matter.
Yes, I have taking a liking to a young one again.
Rules had been setup. Stating no dating under the age of 20.
Unless they are in College.
Must drive, and have a job. (Plus, a few minor rules)
The only thing that I am breaking is the age.
He is a senior, that has applied to many Universities.
But you know I need some happiness. If I can find some happiness out of the situation, I am going to go with it.

Some may not like it, but it is quite difficult to please everyone.
It won't hurt anyone except me.
So, if things go wrong. People are more than welcome to say, "I told you so!"
I will not disagree nor will I say anything in return.

As corny as this maybe, both our mother's approve of our dates, both just saying "Be careful."
So as the coin that was given to me on the day I left rehab states "One day at a time."

Your best, biggest burden, worst enemy.....

-Bryan

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 08:01:46 GMT

I am tired. but I felt the need to say hello.

I am getting more and more excited for the Christmas season coming along.
I would enjoy some snow. I don't like winter but it would be a nice touch.

Don't entirely know what else to say.
Some old things going on.
I have some things going on this coming weekend.
It's going to be a busy month.

I was thinking about getting a second job,
who knows where, and when.
I don't think it would be all that bad of an idea.
We shall see.

When things start to get back to the norm.
I would enjoy going back out.
I am still young.
I don't entirely enjoy being contained.
To do that, I should most likely go out and get my license,
and someday a car.
I mean it is about time.
Don't you think?
I sure do.
Yes Sir.

SO hope all is well with people.

xo

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 05:33:23 GMT

Work is going well.
Things are going o.k.

Living in my own world.
Taking one thing at a time. With some help on the side of course.

Trying to gain some self-respect.
Taking things in, letting things out.

Who knows. Nothing is going on.

I am getting to know someone.
It's going well. I enjoy the conversations.
You know me.
Exactly, nor do I.

Things are moving in the right direction.
The holidays are coming up, I am hoping that will throw some cheer around.
Or some major bitterness. The holidays,sure are something else.

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 05:36:02 GMT

I have issues.
People have issues with me.

I don't know what to do half the time.
To please others, or myself.
Some how I can't find the middle.
TO please both at once.
Always some major complication.
Maybe I complicate everything myself.
I can't help it.
I just want my mind to be at ease.
I want to be happy.
I want others to be happy for me.

I know I have given many reasons for people not to be confident with my decisions.

i'll go to work, I'll pay my debts. I will get back on track.
I will talk, I will interact. I don't want to distance myself again.
Please just let me smile. Let me crash, let me cry, let me take blame,
let me understand, let me grow, let me discover, let me be me.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 06:09:19 GMT

Please excuse this interruption while I slit my wrists and bleed out my ass.

I am annoying and cocky, sometimes rude, impulsive, quite stubborn, shy, nice, dirty, interesting, forward, loud, pissy,
talented, goofy.....I am most likely someone you wouldn't like if you knew me in the past + present.
New people don't mind me, I am a lot more genuine with new people then when I am around my friends. They know me, no point in trying to change around them. Then it just becomes and act. So my past with my friends will be the present, and stay into the future.

Another reason not to change is because I know they don't think highly of me. Why pretend otherwise. I deserve it, but there is this cloud of awkwardness I have to push aside every time I get home or what not. No one mentions anything, so I just go along.
Hey I am one to be paranoid. But doubtful. This has been going on for a couple of weeks. It doesn't bother me. It's just, I don't want to say silly, there is another word that could help be more understanding.

Whatever it all maybe, it may pass in due time. If not I'll live. I am strong booger

oh and....
450$
925$
700$
80$
60$
If you'd like to get in line be my guest.